The African-American Woman's Guide to Successful Hair Loss

I read the following "instructional guide" in a bulletin on Myspace, posted by one of my Myspace friends, Soulfully Soulful In The Solar System.

I immediately requested permission to repost it, but Ms. Soulfully Soulful said she was not the author. She was kind enough to take a moment to track down the author, Mecca Woods, who gracefully granted permission to repost.

This "step by step instructional" is humorous, poignant, disturbing, and clever, not to mention telling. Have you followed this guide in the past? I know I have. Are you still following it today? Read on...

The African-American Woman's Guide to Successful Hair Loss:
A Step-by-Step Instructional

by Mecca Woods (aka Skull Crusher Mary)

This Guide to Success is a great plan designed for every black woman who has ever had to fight with the coarseness of her hair. Just the combing alone is enough to send any sane black woman over the edge (ladies, I’ve been there and back). Imagine all of those days and nights spent in the bathroom tearing at your scalp in hopeless efforts at grooming while your arms and fingers got tired from all the strain. How you’d wish you had “good hair.” That’s why I’ve come up with this easy-to-follow guide made specifically to destroy all that annoying hair, from root to tip. This U.S. patented system is geared to help fully maximize your hair loss potential by bringing you a number of effective strategies based on real world scenarios and methods.

I’ve made sure that the plan goes step-by-step so you can successfully achieve your hair loss goals. I’ve also made sure to leave out things like cutting and shaving as this insures your hair will never grow back. But there’s still enough flexibility in the plan so that you don’t necessarily have to start off with step #1! You can still obtain baldness even if you start at step # 5. While I add that this plan includes a ton of pain and hair loss gimmicks, I fully guarantee that if you follow this plan consistently you will begin to see long-term results in only a matter of months.

1. This first step should take place where girls are likely to be seen with their hair done in the prettiest styles—i.e. Shirley Temple curls, such as a school or the First Methodist Church on 143rd street and 8th Avenue. (Note: the younger you are when you begin this step the better your results will be). Take notice of how your hair doesn’t look like other girls’ hair, like the little light-skinned girl that sits in front of you. Notice how her light-brown hair lies flat under the motion of her brush while yours simply resists. Compare textures, yours goes kinky at the slightest contact with moisture; hers remains straight, neat even. Your hatred for rain, sweat, swimming pools, showers and your birth date should begin with this step.

2. Make sure to listen to any relatives, neighbors or classmates as they call you sweet names like “nappy-head” (or “Aunt Jemima” if you decide to cover your hair). Internalize each and every one of these well-intentioned monikers so that you feel uncomfortable every time you come in contact with the outside world, it’ll help you to meet your hair loss goals faster.

3. When you hit about twelve or thirteen, make sure to stick close to your best friend Clarissa Lopez (or another young pretty Latina). Watch how her hair flips about in the wind like a long black ribbon while yours, short and fuzzy, goes nowhere. Take note of all the attention that she receives from the boys, especially from Marquis Jones; he was cute wasn’t he? As the summer continues, see how each boy takes his turn asking her out. Later, they’ll take turns asking you “what the hell is wrong with your hair?” and “why don’t you get a perm?”

4. At Clarissa’s insistence, tell your mother that you’d like to get a perm. Then ignore your mother when she tells you that you are a) too young for one b) don’t need one and c) that your hair is just fine the way it is. If you listen to this crap you’ll never be able to get rid of that thick, good-for-nothing hair that God has mistakenly given you.

5. Instead, go into your mother’s bedroom, look in the red shoebox on the shelf at the top of the closet and get a hold of her old hot comb. This tool will aid you in your attempt to straighten your own hair (Note: to complete this step make sure your mom is out of the house, like at your aunt ‘Retta’s, when you do this or you’ll get your butt whipped before you even have a chance to finish, and what kind of sense would that make?). Once you have a handle on the comb, proceed to the kitchen where you will fire up the range and place the comb into the flame. Wait about 10-15 minutes for the comb to get extremely hot then with a towel in hand grab it carefully from the fire.

By now parts of the comb should be glowing red, kind of like a stop sign but never mind this, go ahead and continue. Next, head to the bathroom where you can get fairly good look at what you’re doing (when it comes to doing the back of your head you can get by on instinct). With the comb still charring hot, take up a section of hair and move the comb through. Listen to the searing of your hair, smell it burning; the sulfuric scent lets you know that it’s working. You should take pleasure in seeing each brown curl and tangle then straighten under the intense heat while feeling your tender scalp blister. I like to call that progress.

Now move to the middle of your head where your hair tends to be at its thickest, you might have a little trouble getting the comb through but it’ll eventually give way to the heat (Note: if you find that the comb is growing cold, don’t hesitate to place it back into the flame for another 10 minutes). Once you get through the middle take one last swipe around the edges, careful to get any naps that you may have missed. When finished stand back and take a look at your newly pressed hair. Watch how it falls to your shoulders in feathery wisps. Run your fingers through it. Never mind the burned edges. Take your time flipping it around, sort of like a shampoo commercial. Now you can actually get a comb through it. (Sometime later you’ll learn from a friend that the trick to getting it straighter, or bone straight, is to add some hair grease, preferably the Dax brand. The hint of smoke and fried grease in your hair should be a welcome change.) When your mother finally discovers what you’ve done you should take comfort in knowing the punishment is for something you believed in (you think).

6. Repeat step #5 if you’re the chubby sort and sweat even in your sleep. Eventually you’ll come to figure out that sleeping in the nude with the window open is a very effective moisture deterrent, even if it’s the dead of winter and you’re mom is pissed off that you keep catching cold.

7. As you make unsteady gaits towards your teen years the interests of your peers should start becoming more important to you. So when your sometime buddy Shawna Marbury tells everyone who’ll listen that you straighten your hair with a hot comb, the words “You can’t afford a perm!” will spur you to this next step (See step #8).

8. Beg, and I mean BEG, your mother for a permanent relaxer (no-lye of course). How you present your argument is entirely up to you but I recommend using the pioneer approach, saying you just want to “try it once, to see what it’s like.” If she says no, then you can always go over her head and get a friend of a friend who applied one for a friend, to apply one for you. In this case it will be Saundra, Marie and Tasha. Picking out what brand of relaxer to use should be of no problem since you’ll have about two of these friends, Saundra and Tasha, to tell you which one to use. If your hair is really nappy—er, coarse, you’ll probably need a super strength relaxer. If your hair is moderately coarse, regular strength should to the job, and if your hair is of a fine sort of texture, you might do well as to go with a mild strength relaxer or a “kiddie” perm.

Dark & Lovely, Tasha will say, made her Aunt Rose’s hair fall out so to cross it off the list. Saundra will tell you that Crème of Nature doesn’t get your hair straight enough and that PCJ doesn’t last long enough in between applications. Take heart though, as you’ll find that you will still have an ample selection left to choose from. After browsing the packages of the Fab-U-Laxer, Hawaiian Silky, Optimum Care, Soft & Beautiful, Revlon and Precise brands, you’ll decide that African Pride is the one to go with. Why? Because not only does it not contain lye it’s also full of a patented miracle conditioning treatment that nourishes your hair while it straightens—according to the box.

TO BE CONTINUED...